The World Beyond Our Needs

We've been here almost  a month now and I'm loving it but I am also really starting to feel the down side of never having money for anything but rent and bills and groceries and gasoline.

This is why we don't get out much. Going out costs money and that's something we don't have a lot of. Yesterday was our small group day and although my four year old was sick and we couldn't go, I hesitated to go anyway. Why? Because it was someone's birthday. Although they said to not bring gifts and only give a card, I couldn't even afford a card (and I'm running out of my daughters' construction paper). I was told once that dinner is taken care of, but usually everyone brings a little snack or something to add to the meal. I can't do that. I'm already struggling to feed my family with food stamps. I know one day I will suck it up and go anyway. Although people may not understand just how bad it can be for us financially, I just don't want to go sometimes because I'm not able to help the way I want to. I want to buy a card. I want to bring food to share. It's just easier at times to decline the invitation than burden myself with all that I cannot do but want to. That sounds awful, but please keep reading.

Another example of how going out costs money is when my parents invite us out to lunch at Cracker Barrel. Yes, they pay for our meal. But then we're all subjected to walking through the country store filled with beautiful things I really really want to buy. And I'm not the only one. The girls go nuts over the toys in that place. They never understand why I have to always say no to things they want. They deserve things. They're really good kids. I'm thankful when my parents end up buying what they want, but I hate it when I can't.

There are weeks where we'll have a little extra money, but we usually put that toward turning this house into a home and decorating it to our tastes. We don't spend a lot of money on it though. For example, today I decided to take care of the ugly wallpaper in the dining room. Our original intention was to rip it off and put some other wallpaper up that is more modern and pretty. We just can't get permission to do that - nor can we really afford wallpaper. Our next intention was to buy some fabric and tack it up along the wall. That way we could cover the wallpaper and remove the fabric later without damaging the wallpaper. Although cheaper than wallpaper, it wasn't cheap enough. So I ended up picking up some super discounted wrapping paper and some double sided tape and hung some wrapping paper today. It cost a whopping $12. Other times we'll spend the extra money on the girls - like sending my four year old to pompom clinic because she loves it.

We do what we can where we can, but it's often not enough.

We save up for what we can, but everything else we have to pass on. Hardly anyone ever understands, but we're learning to deal with that too. It's not that we don't appreciate your invitation to coming over for dinner, but it's just hard on us to always have moments come up where we know we can't do everything we want to do. It's depressing to tell yourself such a negative word like "no" over and over and over again. "No" you can't bring over extra food to share at small group. "No" you can't buy those lovely things at Cracker Barrel. "No" you can't buy things from the school fundraiser to support your daughter's school. "No" you cannot buy that necklace even though profits go to charity.

Sometimes, it's easier to just avoid the situation. Other times it's the timing of what's happening. Sometimes I can't do things because I can't afford the fast food we'd need to eat because there's not enough time to go home and make dinner. I'm sure we will work through all of this over the year, but for now, this is what we're dealing with.

It all sounds so selfish, I know. But these are my real feelings. I can't ignore how I feel all of the time.

You know what I am happy about though? I am happy to pay rent. I am happy to pay our bills. Why? Because it means that my little love-made family is together and surviving on our own. Because I see God providing and meeting our needs. And that's all that we've ever prayed for - just for our needs to be met.