Who Wants To Clean My House?

It's true that life is good. I love my job. I really do. I couldn't be more thankful to have a job like this. It's what I prayed would happen once deciding to juggle more parenting with hubs and go back to working outside of the home. I mean, if you had to leave your children, wouldn't you beg to have a job you love? It doesn't seem too fair otherwise.

That being said, my revelation of the week is understanding why people hire others to clean their house. I admit, our home is quite awful right now in terms of cleanliness. On top of that, we have a horrible ant problem. I know we could lose a ton of those ants if we just cleaned up around here, but it's not that easy.

My energy level is still at a struggling level because of my vitamin D deficiency. So going to work and being with my girls when I'm not at work pretty much sucks out all of the energy I have for the day. And considering I usually only have one day off per week, I'm not wanting to spend that one day cleaning our house.

So I sit in filth instead... surrounded by ants.

If I had the money to pay someone to clean the house... I would. Although I would also feel pretty awful making anyone else clean this up.

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

I honestly can't remember a time I've ever felt really content with my life. I guess this is why I've moved around so much (once I reached adulthood). I've lived in a lot of cities in a lot of different states. I can say there hasn't been one place I would love better than the one I grew up in. There are certainly things I love about certain places, but not to the point I've been able to say "this is incredible and I belong here." The closest I've been to that was Albuquerque, NM. That being said, I never had the vision of living there with our kids. I guess I'll save that for retirement.

Even though I'm back in Oklahoma and the town I grew up in, I still feel so discontent. Why? I don't know.

I have a pretty great life here. It's better than my life in most other places I've lived. All of my family is here. We are members of a fantastic community impact church. Hubs and I even have friends to hang out with (which hasn't been the case for pretty much our entire marriage). He and I were both able to find jobs here and we're doing alright.

I just can't help but feel like there is something missing here. It's interesting to have been thinking about this a lot lately because our recent sermon series at church is about finding your purpose in life. There are times I thought I knew what that was, but something else would always come up.

I often wonder if I should just stop and enjoy my life more often than I do? Perhaps then I'll know my purpose. Perhaps I'll feel content. I'm just too goal oriented that I don't know how to just stop and enjoy what is. I think up dreams and goals. When I reach one, I think up something else that should come next. Once I obtain that goal, then I think of what should come next (and so on...). I haven't decided if that's good or bad. I mean, sometimes I think it's good because I'm always challenging myself to do more and be more and learn. I'm also starting to see how discontent it's making me. I never feel settled. I never feel that moment where I know I'm exactly where I should be.

I honestly don't know what it is I'm supposed to do with my life. I want desperately to stay home and raise my daughters but the economy is quickly ruining that dream for me. I've always had this huge fascination with the 1950s culture. I always saw myself as the married housewife who stays home to cook (gosh, I love to cook!), clean and take care of the children and help them with their school work. We don't make the income we used to and everything is a struggle right now. I need to be working and earning that second (and third) income.

But what should I do? I previously applied to do something I really wanted to do (and knew I'd be great at) and was denied the job. I did get hired on at the movie store, but I don't know if this is what God intended for my life. Maybe for now - but I don't think this is going to be my career move. Or maybe it is? I don't know. It's definitely not something I ever considered doing with my life. It's more or less something there that is really fun to do and helps bring in the income we're desperately needing right now. It is probably coincidence that I'm really good at what I'm doing.

I remember my pastor talking about how we should think back on our childhood and remember the things our peers asked from us. What were people pointing out that we were really good at? I want to burst out in tears because I don't remember anyone ever telling me I was good at anything. It was always what I was doing wrong and how I probably wouldn't amount to much as an adult. Guess what? Currently in my life, I'm really not amounting to much.

After he asked that, the only thing I could remember doing right as a kid was winning a coloring contest in 1st grade. But I don't think anyone will pay me to color the pages of a coloring book for a living.

I love music, but I can't sing and haven't played an instrument in close to 15 years. I love taking care of my children but I feel pretty intimidated at the thought of taking care of some other person's children. I went to college for broadcasting and worked in that field for several years before becoming a mother. I enjoyed what I did, but I never saw myself so in love with that job that I wanted to do that for the rest of my life. I enjoy being crafty - like sewing, painting, flipping furniture, etc.... but I don't have the start up costs to turn that into a career.

What is my purpose, Lord? What is my purpose?
What is it that I need to be doing?
I just want to feel satisfied with my life for once.

The Afterlife.

I was awake until 2:30am last night this morning answering some very serious questions from my 4 year old. I can't stop wondering how much she really needed to know at her age, but I also hope I didn't withhold too much information from her that she really wanted to know. I don't like answering her with "you're not old enough to know." If she has questions about something (even some this serious), I want to be able to answer her questions. Her questions last night were particularly tough.


It was a quiet movie night complete with mattresses on the living room floor and me on the couch. My 3 year old had already fallen asleep and my 4 year old really wanted to watch Felicity (American Girl movie). All was well until Felicity's grandfather died. Suddenly, my 4 year old didn't understand. "What happened?" she asked. "Her grandfather died." I answered. "Why? What happened?" she continued.

I tried explaining that Felicity lived a very long time ago, before there was Tylenol and other good medicine to make us better. I explained that back then, sometimes when you would get sick, you would die because there wasn't good medicine like we have now.

She continued, "Well, why was he in the box and being buried?"

"Because when we die, our bodies are buried, but our souls go to Heaven." I answered.

It was then I realized I had just opened the can of worms. I said the word soul to my 4 year old.

By my Christian beliefs, I had to continue explaining what happens to you when you die. That brought up more questions about what happens if you do not know Jesus. I told her that you will live in Hell with the Devil - who's name is Satan.

She asked what Satan's last name was. I said he didn't have one. So then she said we need to think of a last name for Jesus and for Satan. lol

It was question after question after question.

We've spent her entire childhood teaching her about who Jesus and God are. I never really thought of talking about why we believe and the difference between Heaven and Hell. Perhaps that was me trying to protect her innocent mind from picturing the two extremes. I was never sure what the appropriate age was to teach them about death and how beliefs in God come into play in the afterlife. Thankfully, she was really cool about it all and made me laugh a lot through all my nervousness - thinking about giving Jesus and Satan last names, wondering if Satan beats you up in Hell ("because that's pretty mean and bad"), and listening to her innocent curiosity about death.

Clearly, conversations about the afterlife was not something I wanted to happen till she were older. I'm not even sure I wanted to have them at all. This is real life though. As a parent, I'm realizing I don't get to pick and choose when to and when not to have certain conversations. There's not enough education or life experience to teach me how to have those conversations either. My best advice if this should ever happen to any of you is to follow their lead. If they want to know a little more than what you've explained, believe me, they'll ask.

Wishful Living

I have been working a ton this week at my second job. A ton. My feet are so sore and I'm really missing my family. This week's Wishful Living was an easy choice.

I would love to cozy up with my sweet family in a beautiful cabin with a great view. Why the snow? Well, the last time it snowed around here, our little suburb shut down completely. That guarantees that I'll be off work for at least a day. 

Ready for the theme music? Check this one out....

A Truth

Truth: I have a second job.

After all the explaining I did about having the one job and needing to stay home with the girls, I recently realized that it just wasn't enough. So I decided to get a second job - this time working outside of the home. I have such mixed feelings about it - which brings me back to blogger to talk it out.

First I must say that I really really really love this new job. It's fantastic. My pay is decent enough for part time work. But it's that part time work that's bothering me.

I thought going part time meant 3-4 days a week maximum. Apparently at this place, it means you could actually be working 7 days in a row and only have one day off before you start another long streak of days. This is really bothering me. It's cutting into time I need for other things happening in my life - like the work at home job I have. Like motherhood. Like having a life outside of working. Like dinner.

Yes. Dinner. I don't get to eat dinner anymore because of this job. If I do, I have to bring it with me and eat while standing up behind the check out counter. That's IF we're not busy. Most of the time I'm there because we are busy - so that means no dinner. All this food I've bought from the grocery store to make my family for dinner - it's still in the fridge/freezer waiting to be prepared. I'm not home to enjoy dinner with my family anymore and I'm not even able to eat dinner at work either - most of the time.

I'm working about 32 hours in this "part time" job. It's 32 hours I was meant to be taking care of my girls and enjoying time as a family.

I never see my husband anymore. He gets home from work at 7am. He sleeps when he gets home while I wake up to take care of the girls. When it's time for me to go to work, he wakes up to take care of the girls. When I finally get home from work, he's needing to go to work. It sucks. And with only one day off a week (apparently), I will have to pray it'll always be on one of his days off so we can finally spend time together. But still - one day a week isn't enough "family time." It isn't enough visitation with my husband.

I honestly really really love working at this place. I don't want to quit and we really need that extra income right now. I guess I just need better hours. I realized today that aside from the new manager, I am the only other one who has children. No one knows what it's like to miss out on your family. And even the manager with children doesn't have a spouse who works overnights/opposite shifts.

This might just be killing me a little bit. Hopefully things will improve very soon.

Imperfections

Imperfections. Oh goodness. If only we accepted them in ourselves as much as God accepts them in us....

One thing I love about imperfections is that it really shows you what kind of friendships you have. For example, have you ever visited with a friend and not bothered with makeup? Have you ever been around a friend wearing the same clothes two days in a row? Have you ever been around a friend and not cared that your house was clean? Have you ever been around a friend and no longer cared about what they thought of you because you already knew they loved you for you?

It's been such a very long long long time since I've had friends like that. I'm blessed to have a couple of friends in my life like that right now. I adore these friends more than any of these words could describe. I'm having a play date with one of them tomorrow and I just now (at 9pm) realized how awfully messy my house is.

There is absolutely no walk room in my girls' room. It's a disaster to say the least. There are dirty clothes all over the hallway waiting to be washed. But I can't wash them because the laundry room is messy with dog stuff that needs to be cleaned first. We're constantly washing dishes in the kitchen but there's always another pile in the sink to be washed. The living room and dining room are also disasters (not as bad as the girls' room) because of rearranging things around the house over the weekend. We need to move stuff out to storage and it will make it looks tons better, but there's still a bit of clutter that needs to be dealt with. I'm pretty sure I can't get around to cleaning all of it before she arrives with her girls tomorrow.

But you know what? I was so stinkin' excited that I'm having this friend come over with her little girls to play and have lunch with us that I never bothered looking around the house at all the mess. I know she loves us just the way we are. To see us living in such clutter and mess won't change her opinion of us. It won't make her love us any less. I can even guarantee you that she would still come over again if I asked her to.

I'm so lucky to have more than one friend that loves me this much. I'm so lucky to have more than one friend who loves me for me and isn't influenced by whatever junk is around me.

You know there is a lesson in this. But I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own while you watch this video.

Decisions

The year of hard decisions. That's what 2011 is turning out to be for us. While that may sound like a lot of bad things are going on (and I guess they sometimes are)... we're really not looking at it like that.

The best part about making hard decisions is that there's an outcome on the other side of that decision that we're all okay with. I won't go into detail on all of the hard decisions we've made this year, but there have been quite a few big ones as well as some we're still trying to figure out.

There was one very recently that I'm still having a hard time dealing with. I know praying about this and discussing it with my husband that I made the right decision for us right now. But sometimes these decisions aren't always what I really want.

That's just life. In the words of The Rolling Stones, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need."

I thank the good Lord above for always watching out for us and always answering prayers. It may not always be the answered prayer I was looking for, but all our prayers get answered. I'm so glad that He knows better than I do.

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 The Message

(This video is from my church 4 months ago during a series called "Rock for the Rock".
The picture is blurry, but a great message I think you may like.)

ROCK for the ROCK: Week Three from Darin Hamm on Vimeo.

An Inspiring Week

I missed my favorite parts of last week - Wishful Living and An Inspiring Week. And where I left off with "An Inspiring Week" wasn't all that fabulous. Hopefully this week you will agree that my inspiration is much much better. I've really been too busy this past week to do much of any crafting or sewing of my own, but I'm always on the lookout for adorable things that inspire me or simply put me in a good mood.

First on my list is this awe-some bed from the linen house. I want a bed like this so bad. One that just looks comfortable and inviting and says "come snuggle up on me and rest." It's one of those you know you could lay on in any position, snuggle the covers up under your chin, and be so perfectly comfortable. I am quite happy that we have upgraded from a wire-poking-you-in-the-back uncomfortable sofa bed to a king size bed. That's quite the blessing, really. But this bed here - oh this bed! I want you.

This is hillarious and adorable at the same time. I really think our Max needs one of these sweet bow tie collars. Most of the time I don't think our dog could get any more adorable, but then I found these and I changed my mind. He needs one whether he agrees with me or not.

I'm pretty sure I made something like this when I was a kid. It inspired me to start thinking like a kid again and look at everything from a creative point of view. I found it while surfing around on this blog.

While surfing around on this blog, I saw this lamp. It's delicious. I want it. I'm sure I could figure out how to recreate it, but for now I'll admire this one.

I thought these were super creative and it's the first crafty thing I've seen that I cannot figure out how to recreate. Therefore, I want one. If I can't recreate it, it's worth purchasing. :) Go to the site and see more of these cute things.

And last but not least.... something I shared on Twitter and Facebook earlier in the week. There is nothing cuter than this video. NOTHING. I still cry from laughing every single time I watch this (and I've watched it a lot!). Even if you take your eyes off the video and just listen to the baby laugh, it's still just as cute.








What inspired you this week?

Wishful Living

It's no secret that I am a bit obsessed with the 1950s. So of course, it comes as no surprise that when we are finally able to buy our own home, one made in the 50s would be ideal. Most 1950s homes have been remodeled and updated inside. But that's okay. I can always switch it back. ;)

I found this charming yellow home for sale in Florida. I have no desire to move to Florida, so this is great material for "Wishful Living." For an easy $60,000 we could own this dream. But I'd have to uproot it and move the house here to Oklahoma - because seriously, Florida isn't for me. We'll just pretend this home is here in Oklahoma or even Albuquerque, NM. *grin*

Built in 1951. 1157 Square Feet. 3 Bedrooms. 1 Bathroom.

And of course, there has to be "theme music." So this is what my life in that home would sound like...

Forgiveness

I started reading though an old blog of mine (just a personal one I didn't share with the World). I found something there I wanted to share in this blog.

It was written toward the end of last year when hubs and I were in marriage counseling. To those who know us now, it's hard to believe our marriage almost ended last year. I am so thankful for our marriage counselor, J, who helped us get through some really rough stuff. We're also so thankful we discovered New Heights church at just the right time - when we had to end our counseling sessions (it was far away and we couldn't afford the gas to get there anymore). God worked through our pastor, Darin. We applied what he taught and it has saved our marriage. In fact, we're at a place now where you couldn't even imagine hubs and I even thinking about splitting up.

Back to the old blog post... In counseling, I learned something about forgiveness. It was one of those moments an answer I gave wasn't really my own thoughts. These words just poured out of my mouth and I learned something pretty spectacular from it. Here's the post:

I've learned a lot about forgiveness. I'm not sure I've ever talked about forgiveness with anyone until last night. J asked me for my definition of forgiveness. I told him I couldn't really give an official definition, it's more of a process. I explained to him that I know what Jesus did for us a long time ago. He died on the cross for our sins. It wasn't just for MY sin... it was for everyone's sin. That includes my husband. That includes my family. That includes my friends. That even includes strangers. People make mistakes in their life. I certainly have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've learned from them - the biggest lesson being forgiveness. Who am I to say that Jesus died for my sins and that I am forgiven but think that others don't deserve the same forgiveness? Whatever bad things have happened, I forgive him because God did. He deserves that forgiveness as much as I do. I will not judge someone by their mistakes. I have done a lot of bad things in my life but I have grown up from those mistakes. I am not the same person I used to be. I trust God that my husband will not be the same person he used to be.

I believe God deals with each of us in a unique way. God is certainly dealing with my husband right now (and me too) and I am holding on to all of God's promises for us. I am exercising patience. I am exercising forgiveness. While there are still days I want to give up, I keep holding on.

Wordless Wednesday

The Secret

Fact. Life is hard sometimes. Sometimes bad things happen - yes, even to good people. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes things beyond our control can ruin a perfectly good day.

But every day is full of new possibilities - possibilities to dwell on the bad or think about the good.

Last night, hubs and I watched The Secret. It's crazy how much of it relates to Christian principles. So is "The Secret" to life Christianity? It could be for everyone. For me, it is. For me, there is no other way to live. The movie described our lives as being controlled by "the Universe" but Christians call this kind of "Universe", God. God is the One in control of my life. He is the powers that be.

The movie talked a lot about how we are to stay focused on positive things to have a positive life so "The Secret" can manifest itself in our lives. The rest is up to "the Universe" - or in my case, God. The thing that made most sense to me in this movie was how bad things happen because we're always thinking bad thoughts. If we start focusing on good thoughts for our life, then good things will happen. I really think there's some truth to that.

Think about what happens when you surround yourself with awful people. Your life starts to kind of suck and you always feel bad. But when you surround yourself with positive people, good things start happening and you're more joyful. Right? It's the same for our thoughts. Go through your day thinking about the positive things you want to happen in your life. Cut out the thoughts of why or how it won't work. Just focus on the fact that it will. The Universe God will take care of the how/when/etc. You just have to believe it'll happen.

Today, I tried to put this into practice with my own life. When I started to get upset at my children, I tried redirecting my thoughts to all the things I appreciate about them. When I started to get upset about my finances, I started to think about all of the times God provided for us no matter how much money there was wasn't in the bank. I think it all starts by appreciating your life and those in it. Stop thinking about what you don't have and appreciate the things you do. Focus on what you want in your life and don't question it ever happening.

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19 (NIV)