I Can't Get No Satisfaction

I honestly can't remember a time I've ever felt really content with my life. I guess this is why I've moved around so much (once I reached adulthood). I've lived in a lot of cities in a lot of different states. I can say there hasn't been one place I would love better than the one I grew up in. There are certainly things I love about certain places, but not to the point I've been able to say "this is incredible and I belong here." The closest I've been to that was Albuquerque, NM. That being said, I never had the vision of living there with our kids. I guess I'll save that for retirement.

Even though I'm back in Oklahoma and the town I grew up in, I still feel so discontent. Why? I don't know.

I have a pretty great life here. It's better than my life in most other places I've lived. All of my family is here. We are members of a fantastic community impact church. Hubs and I even have friends to hang out with (which hasn't been the case for pretty much our entire marriage). He and I were both able to find jobs here and we're doing alright.

I just can't help but feel like there is something missing here. It's interesting to have been thinking about this a lot lately because our recent sermon series at church is about finding your purpose in life. There are times I thought I knew what that was, but something else would always come up.

I often wonder if I should just stop and enjoy my life more often than I do? Perhaps then I'll know my purpose. Perhaps I'll feel content. I'm just too goal oriented that I don't know how to just stop and enjoy what is. I think up dreams and goals. When I reach one, I think up something else that should come next. Once I obtain that goal, then I think of what should come next (and so on...). I haven't decided if that's good or bad. I mean, sometimes I think it's good because I'm always challenging myself to do more and be more and learn. I'm also starting to see how discontent it's making me. I never feel settled. I never feel that moment where I know I'm exactly where I should be.

I honestly don't know what it is I'm supposed to do with my life. I want desperately to stay home and raise my daughters but the economy is quickly ruining that dream for me. I've always had this huge fascination with the 1950s culture. I always saw myself as the married housewife who stays home to cook (gosh, I love to cook!), clean and take care of the children and help them with their school work. We don't make the income we used to and everything is a struggle right now. I need to be working and earning that second (and third) income.

But what should I do? I previously applied to do something I really wanted to do (and knew I'd be great at) and was denied the job. I did get hired on at the movie store, but I don't know if this is what God intended for my life. Maybe for now - but I don't think this is going to be my career move. Or maybe it is? I don't know. It's definitely not something I ever considered doing with my life. It's more or less something there that is really fun to do and helps bring in the income we're desperately needing right now. It is probably coincidence that I'm really good at what I'm doing.

I remember my pastor talking about how we should think back on our childhood and remember the things our peers asked from us. What were people pointing out that we were really good at? I want to burst out in tears because I don't remember anyone ever telling me I was good at anything. It was always what I was doing wrong and how I probably wouldn't amount to much as an adult. Guess what? Currently in my life, I'm really not amounting to much.

After he asked that, the only thing I could remember doing right as a kid was winning a coloring contest in 1st grade. But I don't think anyone will pay me to color the pages of a coloring book for a living.

I love music, but I can't sing and haven't played an instrument in close to 15 years. I love taking care of my children but I feel pretty intimidated at the thought of taking care of some other person's children. I went to college for broadcasting and worked in that field for several years before becoming a mother. I enjoyed what I did, but I never saw myself so in love with that job that I wanted to do that for the rest of my life. I enjoy being crafty - like sewing, painting, flipping furniture, etc.... but I don't have the start up costs to turn that into a career.

What is my purpose, Lord? What is my purpose?
What is it that I need to be doing?
I just want to feel satisfied with my life for once.