Disappointment.

I know it's been a while. I've been insanely busy at work, but so thankful to have a job I love so much. I have been thinking of something though that I thought I should make time to write about.

I've started to realize just how much of a problem I have with disappointment. I hate being a disappointment to people and I too often feel like I am. It's extremely hard for me to get over. And maybe I take things to heart too much only because I hear how much others talk about people behind their back. I'm certainly guilty of that to a degree, but I wish that never happened. I wish this were a perfect world where everyone talked about their problems with the person they have the problem with.

But I still think even if the person told me they had a problem with me, I'd still take it so personally and cling to that longer than I should.

Recently I've been feeling like I'm letting down a lot of people because of my job. I've had to cut back my paid blogging job (and I was always the go-to girl when they needed something), I have had to give up other commitments to friends, church, H's school, family, and I've had to give up a lot of parenting duties to my husband who is suffering in the sleep department.

I feel like I'm letting these people down.

It hurt me to give back a sewing project to a friend because I couldn't find time to finish it. Now she's going to have to pay someone to finish it. I can't help but feel she was mad about it. But I just couldn't finish it. It wasn't fair for me to keep holding on to it when she needed it finished.

Recently, we were going to give one of our puppies, Max, to my cousin and her family. He was a perfect fit for them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him and he's the sweetest and most beautiful dog ever. He just got so big so fast that one of my daughters has become very intimidated by him and has become afraid of his herding ways. The day we took him over to my cousin's house, Max had a seizure. This has never happened before. EVER. He's only 4 months old and it's just not supposed to happen. He's not even a breed that has seizures as a trait when he's older. I know this upset my cousin a lot. A part of me feels like she thinks we're trying to pawn off a sick dog on her and she's mad that she had to go through that. We happily took him back (I'm still very attached to him). We got him to the vet right away and they ran every test possible on him and found NOTHING. No cause. No rhyme or reason as to why this would happen. He's totally healthy, in fact. So we have no idea what happened there.  Today, I learned that my aunt (this cousin's mom) is also in the market for a large puppy. HELLO. We have a large puppy we're looking to rehome (but only to someone we know). I told her she could take Max but she shot me a look I won't forget and shook her head no. It was as if she also believes there is something wrong with Max. I can only imagine what my cousin had told her. I feel quite awful about my cousin having to witness that seizure, but I swear on everything that this has never happened to him EVER (or since). I'm not the type of person who would do something so cruel to my family - to pawn off a dog who has seizures. And honestly, now that we have him back, he's probably better off here. I mean, we know what a treasure he is. We know he's not sick AT ALL. It just disappoints me that someone would think we'd do that on purpose. Or that a family member wouldn't believe us that the vet said there was nothing wrong with him.

Stuff is just sticking with me lately. It's hard to get over the feeling I've disappointed someone. I've always been that way. I take things too personally. I know this. My heart has always been on my sleeve and easily broken. I wish there were an easy way to get past this and just let it go. I don't enjoy the feeling of someone being mad at me - especially when I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I'm just not that kind of person to ever do something mean or hurtful on purpose. I don't like being the source of someone's disappointment.

I don't really have a huge point to this. It's just something I needed to get off my chest, I guess.