Disappointment.

I know it's been a while. I've been insanely busy at work, but so thankful to have a job I love so much. I have been thinking of something though that I thought I should make time to write about.

I've started to realize just how much of a problem I have with disappointment. I hate being a disappointment to people and I too often feel like I am. It's extremely hard for me to get over. And maybe I take things to heart too much only because I hear how much others talk about people behind their back. I'm certainly guilty of that to a degree, but I wish that never happened. I wish this were a perfect world where everyone talked about their problems with the person they have the problem with.

But I still think even if the person told me they had a problem with me, I'd still take it so personally and cling to that longer than I should.

Recently I've been feeling like I'm letting down a lot of people because of my job. I've had to cut back my paid blogging job (and I was always the go-to girl when they needed something), I have had to give up other commitments to friends, church, H's school, family, and I've had to give up a lot of parenting duties to my husband who is suffering in the sleep department.

I feel like I'm letting these people down.

It hurt me to give back a sewing project to a friend because I couldn't find time to finish it. Now she's going to have to pay someone to finish it. I can't help but feel she was mad about it. But I just couldn't finish it. It wasn't fair for me to keep holding on to it when she needed it finished.

Recently, we were going to give one of our puppies, Max, to my cousin and her family. He was a perfect fit for them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him and he's the sweetest and most beautiful dog ever. He just got so big so fast that one of my daughters has become very intimidated by him and has become afraid of his herding ways. The day we took him over to my cousin's house, Max had a seizure. This has never happened before. EVER. He's only 4 months old and it's just not supposed to happen. He's not even a breed that has seizures as a trait when he's older. I know this upset my cousin a lot. A part of me feels like she thinks we're trying to pawn off a sick dog on her and she's mad that she had to go through that. We happily took him back (I'm still very attached to him). We got him to the vet right away and they ran every test possible on him and found NOTHING. No cause. No rhyme or reason as to why this would happen. He's totally healthy, in fact. So we have no idea what happened there.  Today, I learned that my aunt (this cousin's mom) is also in the market for a large puppy. HELLO. We have a large puppy we're looking to rehome (but only to someone we know). I told her she could take Max but she shot me a look I won't forget and shook her head no. It was as if she also believes there is something wrong with Max. I can only imagine what my cousin had told her. I feel quite awful about my cousin having to witness that seizure, but I swear on everything that this has never happened to him EVER (or since). I'm not the type of person who would do something so cruel to my family - to pawn off a dog who has seizures. And honestly, now that we have him back, he's probably better off here. I mean, we know what a treasure he is. We know he's not sick AT ALL. It just disappoints me that someone would think we'd do that on purpose. Or that a family member wouldn't believe us that the vet said there was nothing wrong with him.

Stuff is just sticking with me lately. It's hard to get over the feeling I've disappointed someone. I've always been that way. I take things too personally. I know this. My heart has always been on my sleeve and easily broken. I wish there were an easy way to get past this and just let it go. I don't enjoy the feeling of someone being mad at me - especially when I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I'm just not that kind of person to ever do something mean or hurtful on purpose. I don't like being the source of someone's disappointment.

I don't really have a huge point to this. It's just something I needed to get off my chest, I guess.

Who Wants To Clean My House?

It's true that life is good. I love my job. I really do. I couldn't be more thankful to have a job like this. It's what I prayed would happen once deciding to juggle more parenting with hubs and go back to working outside of the home. I mean, if you had to leave your children, wouldn't you beg to have a job you love? It doesn't seem too fair otherwise.

That being said, my revelation of the week is understanding why people hire others to clean their house. I admit, our home is quite awful right now in terms of cleanliness. On top of that, we have a horrible ant problem. I know we could lose a ton of those ants if we just cleaned up around here, but it's not that easy.

My energy level is still at a struggling level because of my vitamin D deficiency. So going to work and being with my girls when I'm not at work pretty much sucks out all of the energy I have for the day. And considering I usually only have one day off per week, I'm not wanting to spend that one day cleaning our house.

So I sit in filth instead... surrounded by ants.

If I had the money to pay someone to clean the house... I would. Although I would also feel pretty awful making anyone else clean this up.

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

I honestly can't remember a time I've ever felt really content with my life. I guess this is why I've moved around so much (once I reached adulthood). I've lived in a lot of cities in a lot of different states. I can say there hasn't been one place I would love better than the one I grew up in. There are certainly things I love about certain places, but not to the point I've been able to say "this is incredible and I belong here." The closest I've been to that was Albuquerque, NM. That being said, I never had the vision of living there with our kids. I guess I'll save that for retirement.

Even though I'm back in Oklahoma and the town I grew up in, I still feel so discontent. Why? I don't know.

I have a pretty great life here. It's better than my life in most other places I've lived. All of my family is here. We are members of a fantastic community impact church. Hubs and I even have friends to hang out with (which hasn't been the case for pretty much our entire marriage). He and I were both able to find jobs here and we're doing alright.

I just can't help but feel like there is something missing here. It's interesting to have been thinking about this a lot lately because our recent sermon series at church is about finding your purpose in life. There are times I thought I knew what that was, but something else would always come up.

I often wonder if I should just stop and enjoy my life more often than I do? Perhaps then I'll know my purpose. Perhaps I'll feel content. I'm just too goal oriented that I don't know how to just stop and enjoy what is. I think up dreams and goals. When I reach one, I think up something else that should come next. Once I obtain that goal, then I think of what should come next (and so on...). I haven't decided if that's good or bad. I mean, sometimes I think it's good because I'm always challenging myself to do more and be more and learn. I'm also starting to see how discontent it's making me. I never feel settled. I never feel that moment where I know I'm exactly where I should be.

I honestly don't know what it is I'm supposed to do with my life. I want desperately to stay home and raise my daughters but the economy is quickly ruining that dream for me. I've always had this huge fascination with the 1950s culture. I always saw myself as the married housewife who stays home to cook (gosh, I love to cook!), clean and take care of the children and help them with their school work. We don't make the income we used to and everything is a struggle right now. I need to be working and earning that second (and third) income.

But what should I do? I previously applied to do something I really wanted to do (and knew I'd be great at) and was denied the job. I did get hired on at the movie store, but I don't know if this is what God intended for my life. Maybe for now - but I don't think this is going to be my career move. Or maybe it is? I don't know. It's definitely not something I ever considered doing with my life. It's more or less something there that is really fun to do and helps bring in the income we're desperately needing right now. It is probably coincidence that I'm really good at what I'm doing.

I remember my pastor talking about how we should think back on our childhood and remember the things our peers asked from us. What were people pointing out that we were really good at? I want to burst out in tears because I don't remember anyone ever telling me I was good at anything. It was always what I was doing wrong and how I probably wouldn't amount to much as an adult. Guess what? Currently in my life, I'm really not amounting to much.

After he asked that, the only thing I could remember doing right as a kid was winning a coloring contest in 1st grade. But I don't think anyone will pay me to color the pages of a coloring book for a living.

I love music, but I can't sing and haven't played an instrument in close to 15 years. I love taking care of my children but I feel pretty intimidated at the thought of taking care of some other person's children. I went to college for broadcasting and worked in that field for several years before becoming a mother. I enjoyed what I did, but I never saw myself so in love with that job that I wanted to do that for the rest of my life. I enjoy being crafty - like sewing, painting, flipping furniture, etc.... but I don't have the start up costs to turn that into a career.

What is my purpose, Lord? What is my purpose?
What is it that I need to be doing?
I just want to feel satisfied with my life for once.

The Afterlife.

I was awake until 2:30am last night this morning answering some very serious questions from my 4 year old. I can't stop wondering how much she really needed to know at her age, but I also hope I didn't withhold too much information from her that she really wanted to know. I don't like answering her with "you're not old enough to know." If she has questions about something (even some this serious), I want to be able to answer her questions. Her questions last night were particularly tough.


It was a quiet movie night complete with mattresses on the living room floor and me on the couch. My 3 year old had already fallen asleep and my 4 year old really wanted to watch Felicity (American Girl movie). All was well until Felicity's grandfather died. Suddenly, my 4 year old didn't understand. "What happened?" she asked. "Her grandfather died." I answered. "Why? What happened?" she continued.

I tried explaining that Felicity lived a very long time ago, before there was Tylenol and other good medicine to make us better. I explained that back then, sometimes when you would get sick, you would die because there wasn't good medicine like we have now.

She continued, "Well, why was he in the box and being buried?"

"Because when we die, our bodies are buried, but our souls go to Heaven." I answered.

It was then I realized I had just opened the can of worms. I said the word soul to my 4 year old.

By my Christian beliefs, I had to continue explaining what happens to you when you die. That brought up more questions about what happens if you do not know Jesus. I told her that you will live in Hell with the Devil - who's name is Satan.

She asked what Satan's last name was. I said he didn't have one. So then she said we need to think of a last name for Jesus and for Satan. lol

It was question after question after question.

We've spent her entire childhood teaching her about who Jesus and God are. I never really thought of talking about why we believe and the difference between Heaven and Hell. Perhaps that was me trying to protect her innocent mind from picturing the two extremes. I was never sure what the appropriate age was to teach them about death and how beliefs in God come into play in the afterlife. Thankfully, she was really cool about it all and made me laugh a lot through all my nervousness - thinking about giving Jesus and Satan last names, wondering if Satan beats you up in Hell ("because that's pretty mean and bad"), and listening to her innocent curiosity about death.

Clearly, conversations about the afterlife was not something I wanted to happen till she were older. I'm not even sure I wanted to have them at all. This is real life though. As a parent, I'm realizing I don't get to pick and choose when to and when not to have certain conversations. There's not enough education or life experience to teach me how to have those conversations either. My best advice if this should ever happen to any of you is to follow their lead. If they want to know a little more than what you've explained, believe me, they'll ask.

A Truth

Truth: I have a second job.

After all the explaining I did about having the one job and needing to stay home with the girls, I recently realized that it just wasn't enough. So I decided to get a second job - this time working outside of the home. I have such mixed feelings about it - which brings me back to blogger to talk it out.

First I must say that I really really really love this new job. It's fantastic. My pay is decent enough for part time work. But it's that part time work that's bothering me.

I thought going part time meant 3-4 days a week maximum. Apparently at this place, it means you could actually be working 7 days in a row and only have one day off before you start another long streak of days. This is really bothering me. It's cutting into time I need for other things happening in my life - like the work at home job I have. Like motherhood. Like having a life outside of working. Like dinner.

Yes. Dinner. I don't get to eat dinner anymore because of this job. If I do, I have to bring it with me and eat while standing up behind the check out counter. That's IF we're not busy. Most of the time I'm there because we are busy - so that means no dinner. All this food I've bought from the grocery store to make my family for dinner - it's still in the fridge/freezer waiting to be prepared. I'm not home to enjoy dinner with my family anymore and I'm not even able to eat dinner at work either - most of the time.

I'm working about 32 hours in this "part time" job. It's 32 hours I was meant to be taking care of my girls and enjoying time as a family.

I never see my husband anymore. He gets home from work at 7am. He sleeps when he gets home while I wake up to take care of the girls. When it's time for me to go to work, he wakes up to take care of the girls. When I finally get home from work, he's needing to go to work. It sucks. And with only one day off a week (apparently), I will have to pray it'll always be on one of his days off so we can finally spend time together. But still - one day a week isn't enough "family time." It isn't enough visitation with my husband.

I honestly really really love working at this place. I don't want to quit and we really need that extra income right now. I guess I just need better hours. I realized today that aside from the new manager, I am the only other one who has children. No one knows what it's like to miss out on your family. And even the manager with children doesn't have a spouse who works overnights/opposite shifts.

This might just be killing me a little bit. Hopefully things will improve very soon.

Imperfections

Imperfections. Oh goodness. If only we accepted them in ourselves as much as God accepts them in us....

One thing I love about imperfections is that it really shows you what kind of friendships you have. For example, have you ever visited with a friend and not bothered with makeup? Have you ever been around a friend wearing the same clothes two days in a row? Have you ever been around a friend and not cared that your house was clean? Have you ever been around a friend and no longer cared about what they thought of you because you already knew they loved you for you?

It's been such a very long long long time since I've had friends like that. I'm blessed to have a couple of friends in my life like that right now. I adore these friends more than any of these words could describe. I'm having a play date with one of them tomorrow and I just now (at 9pm) realized how awfully messy my house is.

There is absolutely no walk room in my girls' room. It's a disaster to say the least. There are dirty clothes all over the hallway waiting to be washed. But I can't wash them because the laundry room is messy with dog stuff that needs to be cleaned first. We're constantly washing dishes in the kitchen but there's always another pile in the sink to be washed. The living room and dining room are also disasters (not as bad as the girls' room) because of rearranging things around the house over the weekend. We need to move stuff out to storage and it will make it looks tons better, but there's still a bit of clutter that needs to be dealt with. I'm pretty sure I can't get around to cleaning all of it before she arrives with her girls tomorrow.

But you know what? I was so stinkin' excited that I'm having this friend come over with her little girls to play and have lunch with us that I never bothered looking around the house at all the mess. I know she loves us just the way we are. To see us living in such clutter and mess won't change her opinion of us. It won't make her love us any less. I can even guarantee you that she would still come over again if I asked her to.

I'm so lucky to have more than one friend that loves me this much. I'm so lucky to have more than one friend who loves me for me and isn't influenced by whatever junk is around me.

You know there is a lesson in this. But I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own while you watch this video.

Forgiveness

I started reading though an old blog of mine (just a personal one I didn't share with the World). I found something there I wanted to share in this blog.

It was written toward the end of last year when hubs and I were in marriage counseling. To those who know us now, it's hard to believe our marriage almost ended last year. I am so thankful for our marriage counselor, J, who helped us get through some really rough stuff. We're also so thankful we discovered New Heights church at just the right time - when we had to end our counseling sessions (it was far away and we couldn't afford the gas to get there anymore). God worked through our pastor, Darin. We applied what he taught and it has saved our marriage. In fact, we're at a place now where you couldn't even imagine hubs and I even thinking about splitting up.

Back to the old blog post... In counseling, I learned something about forgiveness. It was one of those moments an answer I gave wasn't really my own thoughts. These words just poured out of my mouth and I learned something pretty spectacular from it. Here's the post:

I've learned a lot about forgiveness. I'm not sure I've ever talked about forgiveness with anyone until last night. J asked me for my definition of forgiveness. I told him I couldn't really give an official definition, it's more of a process. I explained to him that I know what Jesus did for us a long time ago. He died on the cross for our sins. It wasn't just for MY sin... it was for everyone's sin. That includes my husband. That includes my family. That includes my friends. That even includes strangers. People make mistakes in their life. I certainly have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've learned from them - the biggest lesson being forgiveness. Who am I to say that Jesus died for my sins and that I am forgiven but think that others don't deserve the same forgiveness? Whatever bad things have happened, I forgive him because God did. He deserves that forgiveness as much as I do. I will not judge someone by their mistakes. I have done a lot of bad things in my life but I have grown up from those mistakes. I am not the same person I used to be. I trust God that my husband will not be the same person he used to be.

I believe God deals with each of us in a unique way. God is certainly dealing with my husband right now (and me too) and I am holding on to all of God's promises for us. I am exercising patience. I am exercising forgiveness. While there are still days I want to give up, I keep holding on.

The Secret

Fact. Life is hard sometimes. Sometimes bad things happen - yes, even to good people. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes things beyond our control can ruin a perfectly good day.

But every day is full of new possibilities - possibilities to dwell on the bad or think about the good.

Last night, hubs and I watched The Secret. It's crazy how much of it relates to Christian principles. So is "The Secret" to life Christianity? It could be for everyone. For me, it is. For me, there is no other way to live. The movie described our lives as being controlled by "the Universe" but Christians call this kind of "Universe", God. God is the One in control of my life. He is the powers that be.

The movie talked a lot about how we are to stay focused on positive things to have a positive life so "The Secret" can manifest itself in our lives. The rest is up to "the Universe" - or in my case, God. The thing that made most sense to me in this movie was how bad things happen because we're always thinking bad thoughts. If we start focusing on good thoughts for our life, then good things will happen. I really think there's some truth to that.

Think about what happens when you surround yourself with awful people. Your life starts to kind of suck and you always feel bad. But when you surround yourself with positive people, good things start happening and you're more joyful. Right? It's the same for our thoughts. Go through your day thinking about the positive things you want to happen in your life. Cut out the thoughts of why or how it won't work. Just focus on the fact that it will. The Universe God will take care of the how/when/etc. You just have to believe it'll happen.

Today, I tried to put this into practice with my own life. When I started to get upset at my children, I tried redirecting my thoughts to all the things I appreciate about them. When I started to get upset about my finances, I started to think about all of the times God provided for us no matter how much money there was wasn't in the bank. I think it all starts by appreciating your life and those in it. Stop thinking about what you don't have and appreciate the things you do. Focus on what you want in your life and don't question it ever happening.

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19 (NIV)

A New Old Car

I mentioned before how awful last week was here on Birch St., but I must say it's a huge blessing to know and trust that everything is going to work out. We put God in control of our lives (which is a hard thing to do, really) and it's been proven time and time again how faithful He is to us in our times of trouble (even in blessing).

We've been having a headache with the finance company for our van. When we bought the van, we made much more money than we do now. "Life happened" and we can no longer afford the car payments. We've fallen behind and struggled often to catch up. We've been pleading with this company for a few months now to help us out and allow us to keep this van that we've invested so much into already by lowering our payment - but they won't. No matter how much we pay them, they always tell us that we can't afford this and threaten to pick up the van. It's true - we can't afford it on our current income. But they won't adjust what we pay every month. And this is coming from the company who recently decided to give all of their hourly employees a $5,000 bonus.

It was getting pretty awful last week dealing with them. I don't think I could talk to someone else they way they talk to us and be okay with myself at the end of the day. Ya know? Last week, they actually showed up at my inlaw's house looking for the van to repo. Thankfully we no longer live with them, but it was only a matter of time before they found out where we do live. We are really trying to do the right thing with them, but they aren't so helpful on their end. So we had to think fast and pray God gave us answers quickly.

We finally decided to make the sacrifice and give up the van no matter what. If they want to pick it up, that's fine. If we need to drive it to a dealership and surrender it, that's fine. We tried trading it in, but our credit score is too low now (thanks to this finance company) that they won't let us trade for something cheaper.

Then, we found this great used car dealership in Tulsa and told them our story. They specialize in helping people like us who have/had problems and/or bad credit get into a vehicle and rebuild credit - but don't rip you off with a humongous car payment. Since we are surrendering our van, they decided they would finance us for something new (used). We had a few issues getting into the new vehicle, but God worked it out. We feel like we're doing the right thing because we kept seeing what we call "little God blessings" through this process.

First, we got approved. Second, we found a great vehicle at an incredible price. We managed to have payments we could afford for at least $100 less than our minivan. We put down part of our tax return which helped a lot. We later found out that the vehicle we chose has a brand new engine and 4 new tires plus a full size spare. It also comes with 18 months or 18,000 mile warranty on the engine, transmission, and other main parts - but not bumper to bumper. The left tail light was broken but the bulb still worked. They had ordered a part for that and will install that when it comes in.

Then the "little God blessings" came through.

Just before we went in to sign the paperwork, we realized the radiator was leaking. So we had to put our down payment as hold money in their layaway program so they wouldn't sell the car to anyone else. We didn't drive home with our new vehicle, but they were putting in a new radiator for us on their dime. Where is the blessing in that - you ask?

Come Monday, our dealer called us with some good news. He said because we didn't finalize the deal, we could take advantage of their new promotion. There was a $100 coupon online that we could print and bring in for $100 off our vehicle. Then, they just started a new promotion that matches our down payment up to $1,000. So instead of putting down $1,500... it was like putting down $2,600. That lowered our payments even more in addition to getting an already amazing deal on the vehicle.

We are now paying over $150 less on our car payments than we were on the van. We have a new engine, tires, and radiator with a tail light on order. We will have just over a year before our vehicle is PAID OFF! And the best part is no matter what happens with the van - they can't touch this one!

Oh, but the blessings didn't stop there. We're significantly saving on our car insurance now too!

^"The Lord will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

Psalm 121:7-8 NIV

A Bad Week

You may have noticed that I haven't blogged since last Friday. This has to be one of the worst weeks on Birch St. It's inevitable that when things start going so well, that the Devil will come along and try to mess it all up. Past mistakes in our life are coming back to haunt us and is leaving us completely stressed out this week trying to deal with it. On top of that, it's getting in the way of something incredibly important we're trying to do which is stressful enough on it's own. There's also all the little annoyances like locking ourselves out of the house on a cold day, neighbors driving through and tearing up our front lawn, and our first mouse situation in years. All in one week!

Side note: I am TERRIFIED of mice. It's my #2 all time fear. My first fear is too personal and weird to talk about. My #3 is drowning/head underwater. But back to the mouse... I'm terrified! I go into a full on panic attack when I see them. It's pretty serious and uncontrollable. People have tried telling me that they are more scared of me than I am of them, but that's just not true. I've had them run over my feet/legs before while cleaning out a closet. I've had them actually on my bed pillow while I was sleeping, eating my hair! So don't tell me they're more scared of me or they wouldn't come so close. Trust me. My fear instinct is to get as far away from it as possible. Them? Not so much.

I think the thing I dislike most about weeks like this is that it's hard to control my feelings around others. I can't even count how many times hubs and I have snapped at each other this week even though we both know it's better to stick together to work this out than fight for no reason. It's hard to not yell at the girls when they're so happy and I'm so upset. So you know how annoying the sounds of a squealing girl is when you're on the verge of tears? Sometimes I am so upset and involved in my problem that I can't even be "mom". I can't even be a very good friend. I feel like I get sucked into my problems and I don't even know what's happening with my friends. I don't always let my friends in on our problems. That's also tough to do. There's nothing they can do really and I try to only ask things of my friends when I know there is something they could do. I'm also very forgetful and I'm not there for people like I should be or when I should be. I'm completely living in the land of sulk and fear.

I suppose the hardest part about weeks like this is prayer. What? Yes. Prayer. I want things to work out but I don't always know what God's answer will be. His vision may not be ours. And I don't want to pray for something and have it not work out that way to the point that I don't understand why and then explain to everyone why God didn't work out what we've been praying for. It's hard to be a Christian and even harder when God doesn't have the same plan you do after you've prayed for something specific. I suddenly don't have "the answers" for anyone.

On the bright side, I do completely trust God to take care of us. He always has and I believe He always will.  It may not be our way, but everything will work out one way or another.

Know this: God, your God, is God indeed, a God you can depend upon. He keeps his covenant of loyal love with those who love him and observe his commandments for a thousand generations. 

Deuteronomy 7:9 (The Message Bible)

The Jones Family

Truth: I'm having a really hard time remembering I no longer live next to the Jones family. Surely you've heard the phrase "keeping up with the Jones'"... and that's what I'm talking about.

We used to have to have everything that everyone else had... and then some. We managed our money horribly. One year for father's day, I took hubs on a surprise trip to an outlet mall a few hours away from our South Texas residence and we stayed in a hotel and spent a lot of money. The girls even came with us. One thing he wanted to buy was a Dave Ramsey book. We started reading it as soon as we got back to the hotel. Our lives changed that night. We counted up what our income was and compared it to how much we were spending on crap. It hurt to see how much we could have been saving had we just not cared about having things. It was a hard habit to break. We chanted the Dave's phrase "Live today like no one else, so later you can live like no one else." It basically means that we should save more and spend less so we'll be financially secure in our future. Others won't because we're all trying to keep up with what our neighbor has - and even out do them at times.

Fast forward to today. Life took a strange turn and we no longer make the kind of money we used to. Sure, we can live without a lot of things and kind of pride ourselves on doing so. In fact, it annoys me to see others throw away so much of their own money on things like we used to - especially when they have a couple of jobs just to support their spending habits. It's certainly a hard life living on so little, but it's how it is right now. And we do okay.

This time of year is really hard. We come out of Christmas where we may have received things that we've drooled over but wouldn't dare spend our own money on. Then, through January, we spend the gift cards - still allowing us to have things we wouldn't normally have. February comes around and I have a birthday where I may or may not be able to squeeze one more thing I want out of someone. Then, there's tax returns.

And that's where we are now (since I received my birthday present early from mom and dad). We just filed our taxes and were able to find out what our tax return is going to look like. We certainly have our fair share of bills to catch up on. But there's going to be some extra money there once those things are taken care of. My husband and I are both having a hard time not mentally spending that money already on things others have. I want a better cell phone. He wants a better computer. We want a bigger/more modern television (we have a 13 inch box tv). We want lots of stuff that we don't have - but aren't currently struggling without.

My brain is reminding me that every time we start spending like this, one month later, we're in trouble again. So of course, I'm thinking we should save it. It will be sweet to not have to worry about bills in a few months when something goes wrong (like getting snowed in and not being able to work). It will be nice to have an emergency fund for the first time in our lives. We also need new tires on the van (our only vehicle).

We need to save this money. We just need to. But it's so hard right now to see extra money for the first time in a long time and not go back to spending it on stuff we've been missing out on. We're praying we'll do the right thing.

The World Beyond Our Needs

We've been here almost  a month now and I'm loving it but I am also really starting to feel the down side of never having money for anything but rent and bills and groceries and gasoline.

This is why we don't get out much. Going out costs money and that's something we don't have a lot of. Yesterday was our small group day and although my four year old was sick and we couldn't go, I hesitated to go anyway. Why? Because it was someone's birthday. Although they said to not bring gifts and only give a card, I couldn't even afford a card (and I'm running out of my daughters' construction paper). I was told once that dinner is taken care of, but usually everyone brings a little snack or something to add to the meal. I can't do that. I'm already struggling to feed my family with food stamps. I know one day I will suck it up and go anyway. Although people may not understand just how bad it can be for us financially, I just don't want to go sometimes because I'm not able to help the way I want to. I want to buy a card. I want to bring food to share. It's just easier at times to decline the invitation than burden myself with all that I cannot do but want to. That sounds awful, but please keep reading.

Another example of how going out costs money is when my parents invite us out to lunch at Cracker Barrel. Yes, they pay for our meal. But then we're all subjected to walking through the country store filled with beautiful things I really really want to buy. And I'm not the only one. The girls go nuts over the toys in that place. They never understand why I have to always say no to things they want. They deserve things. They're really good kids. I'm thankful when my parents end up buying what they want, but I hate it when I can't.

There are weeks where we'll have a little extra money, but we usually put that toward turning this house into a home and decorating it to our tastes. We don't spend a lot of money on it though. For example, today I decided to take care of the ugly wallpaper in the dining room. Our original intention was to rip it off and put some other wallpaper up that is more modern and pretty. We just can't get permission to do that - nor can we really afford wallpaper. Our next intention was to buy some fabric and tack it up along the wall. That way we could cover the wallpaper and remove the fabric later without damaging the wallpaper. Although cheaper than wallpaper, it wasn't cheap enough. So I ended up picking up some super discounted wrapping paper and some double sided tape and hung some wrapping paper today. It cost a whopping $12. Other times we'll spend the extra money on the girls - like sending my four year old to pompom clinic because she loves it.

We do what we can where we can, but it's often not enough.

We save up for what we can, but everything else we have to pass on. Hardly anyone ever understands, but we're learning to deal with that too. It's not that we don't appreciate your invitation to coming over for dinner, but it's just hard on us to always have moments come up where we know we can't do everything we want to do. It's depressing to tell yourself such a negative word like "no" over and over and over again. "No" you can't bring over extra food to share at small group. "No" you can't buy those lovely things at Cracker Barrel. "No" you can't buy things from the school fundraiser to support your daughter's school. "No" you cannot buy that necklace even though profits go to charity.

Sometimes, it's easier to just avoid the situation. Other times it's the timing of what's happening. Sometimes I can't do things because I can't afford the fast food we'd need to eat because there's not enough time to go home and make dinner. I'm sure we will work through all of this over the year, but for now, this is what we're dealing with.

It all sounds so selfish, I know. But these are my real feelings. I can't ignore how I feel all of the time.

You know what I am happy about though? I am happy to pay rent. I am happy to pay our bills. Why? Because it means that my little love-made family is together and surviving on our own. Because I see God providing and meeting our needs. And that's all that we've ever prayed for - just for our needs to be met.

It Is Complete

When we put down the deposit on this house, we sent out a list of things we'd need for our home in hopes someone out there might have a few things they could donate and we wouldn't have to try to figure out how to furnish our entire house all at once. Deposits (including utility) and rent pretty much sucked our bank account dry. Living with parents for so long, we didn't have much of our own stuff.

I'm writing today with great amazing news! Today was the day the final item on our list was delivered/donated to us. I am so humbled and blessed to know so many great people who have stepped up to donate items for our home. God went above and beyond what we asked for. We went from sleeping on a sofa bed to owning a king size bed! We received a washer and dryer. We even received a refrigerator! God had people constantly coming to us offering us things they no longer needed and we ended up with a few things not even on our list. We even had to turn down some things because we already had them or we didn't have room for them.

We are literally living in the house that love built. Almost everything in our home came from others. I think that's the best part about living here - looking around we're reminded of so many people who love and care for us.

Today I put up one of those sticky wall thingies. Basically you peel the back off, stick it to the wall and then try to peel the backing off while getting the lettering to stick to the wall. Ours says, "All I have needed, Thy Hand hath Provided, Great is Thy Faithfulness Lord unto Me." It's so true and will always be a reminder of how faithful God has been to us.

Stepping It Up

While the end of 2010 seemed like a pretty busy time for me, it doesn't seem to be slowing down at all in 2011. I know this is because I haven't said "no". Sometimes I just can't. I have this part of my being that likes to step up when no one else will.

This weekend will begin a three month adventure judging a local recipe contest that benefits the American Heart Association. I am really excited about that. While I am not the only "celebrity judge" there, it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up - especially after my big rant about my work at home job. It was because of this job, I am able to be a "celebrity judge."

I am also tutoring once a week in reading. We started this earlier in the school year, but then winter break happened and I haven't seen him since. Thankfully he should be back tonight for another session. I am so glad. I know it appears that I am helping him, but he is also helping me gain confidence in my ability to teach. I sometimes wonder about my teaching ability. What "qualifies" me to do this? I honestly don't know.  I DO know that I'm supposed to be doing this. God called me to do it. I'll be honest that I got pretty nervous when he stopped showing up after winter break. I thought I wasn't making a difference. I don't know how I taught my daughters to love to read, but I did. Hopefully I'm doing the right thing here. I'm just trying to follow God's lead. We're making big breakthroughs, but I guess my lack of confidence in what I'm doing has me worried that sometimes I'm not the right person for this.

Recently, I became classroom parent for my preschooler's PTO bingo basket. That means I have to help pull this all together before bingo night. It's really hard to get any parent in the afternoon class to do anything at all, so hopefully the morning class will be more willing to send in items and make it something cool. Our theme is Owasso Rams, so if you have anything you'd like to donate, please let me know.

Because of the lack of parent help in the afternoon, I have been in charge of planning classroom holiday parties. There was actually one holiday that passed where the afternoon class didn't have much of a party and the morning class rocked theirs out. I don't want my kid (or any of the other kids) to be deprived because no one will step up and help. So I volunteered myself to help with the Thanksgiving and Christmas parties. I ended up having to plan the whole Christmas party and it was a huge hit. Valentine's Day parties are coming up and I told the teacher I wouldn't mind planning it for the class, but would only do it if no one else offered. She immediately wrote back and said she hasn't had any response at all from the afternoon class parents, so it looks like I'm planning that one too. These kids deserve great parties. God gave one funny bone and the rest are all artistic bones, so I guess I'm the right one for this job.

I'm pretty sure if I ever seriously became overwhelmed, I could say no. But I haven't been able to find a good reason to not do these things. It's what I do. I step up and help when no one else does - and lately, that's happening a lot. So here I am.

Yes, I Have A Job

I wish others would stop looking at me as if I do nothing to support my family. Most know me as a stay at home mom, but I actually have a job. And I've calculated what I would make working outside the home and what the daycare expense would be. I actually make more at my work at home job than I would working outside the home and paying for daycare. So get off my back already about us being poor and how we'd be better off if I "got a job." I have one.

For those who are now curious, I work for ttownmoms.com. I contribute/research stories that are posted on the message board. I am also a featured blogger - posting recipes and teaching people how to cook. I also help out with local events promoting ttownmoms. I've been there since June of 2009 and I don't have any plans to go away. Prior to October of 2010, I blogged a lot about homemaker stuff but was asked to take on the role of the exclusive recipe blogger. So that's what I'm doing now and people like it. And as a new feature to that blog, I've also taken on the challenge of teaching others how to cook who have never cooked anything before.

My job combines my love for writing and my love for cooking and quite a bit of communication and connecting with others (and some marketing too, I suppose). I couldn't ask for a better job - especially being able to stay home and raise my girls.

What that doesn't do for me, I let my sewing machine fill in. I recently started up a sewing business that I hope will be successful considering I'm using my God-given talents for a good cause. It's not only going to help support my family financially but I also donate 20% of profits to charities. Remarkably, a business venture that I started on bed rest while pregnant with Caroline (my now 3 year old) is still bringing in enough extra cash every month to cover supplies for my sewing business - giving me a whole profit when I make a sale (minus the 20% to charity).

My husband and I both work very hard to support our family. Maybe it's not what you're doing or it doesn't pay what you earn... but it's enough for us. And when it's not - God is enough. He has shown us time and time again that this is what we should be doing and where we should be. It may not be the easiest road but it sure as heck is rewarding!